List Poem: Sprinkled with Stars

Sprinkled with Stars

When the clouds cave in, Welcome the sun as it floods and washes away bruises and black eyes.
When the businesses close shop, the night owls suit up.
When the Autumn comes, trees dance with joy.

When the earth celebrates its contentment, the night is sprinkled with stars.
When the earth shakes and quakes, the planet is having a growth spurt.
When the earth bleeds lava it gives birth to moles and warts.
When the earth laughs it freckles the sky with lightening.
When the earth bursts into song, leaves dance in the wind.

~AB 2011.04.11

* * * * * * * * * * *

Trying to see if I can work in some positive energy into a poem. I don’t like how a majority of the stuff I come up with has negative imagery or are bleak and dark. I think this is an awkward piece analytically. Just doesn’t seem to flow well when I say it in my head.
I think my memory failed me the other night when I told someone I haven’t written anything for a few years.

21st Century Slang in time-period movies

I watched the movie, Coco Before Chanel this weekend. Naturally it’s the Hollywood version of the well known fashion designer, Coco Chanel’s life and developing career. Yes, I know it’s a movie. To make a movie or any media/medium believable… or properly put, for the intended audience to be able to suspend belief in order to enjoy it, nuances should be in place. This movie spanned from the late 1800s until roughly the 1960s.

Setting is France. According to what I know, which isn’t a ton, but a little bit more than average, the French language does not easily adapt the use of slang. I’m pretty sure in the phrases “What’s new?”, “What’s happenin’?, and “How’s it going?” were not in use by anyone and less likely for the French to be using it in formal settings.

While I think it’s funny that on the internet and in tv and movies, the slang phrase of “Drop me a line sometime” is now standard. I also like to point out, I haven’t heard this phrase actually said by many. I don’t take credit for the word “Touché,” however, I did reintroduce it into circulation after reading it in one of the beloved V.C. Andrews books. I also remember having to explain its context to everyone I used it with.

Another thing I’d like to point out is I didn’t think of the phrase on purpose. The phrase “Drop me a line sometime” was used when net-etiquette was still new enough. The phrase was a filler, a transition and closing phrase as a way to say, “hey, I would love to hear from you whenever” without being formal to the point of being stiff or disingenuous, but also carefully worded not to sound like slang which is not acceptable in business writing and making leads in the professional world during the Dot Com boom.

Point is, the phrase was coined 35-40 years after Coco Chanel’s time. If you want to enrapt the audience with a time-period piece, do enough legwork to make the dialog suit the time you’ve chosen for your plot.

Cool beans has infected Arizona. I reintroduced it. One of my older sisters loved to say it when we were kids. She was the only one who I ever heard say it. I’ve also reintroduced the use of ‘d. It’s from Shakespeare. instead of the -ed modifier, it’s ‘d.

What new phrase can I come up with now?

A Fast Goodbye After a Year of Survival

It’s done. Letters were written, papers were signed, software uninstalled, equipment turned in, files deleted, email account removed and 1 scheduled work day which I am relieved from working but still being paid for. They will send me my final check in 3 days. I’ve never worked for an employer that is so speedy with wrapping things up. I guess that’s a good thing. It’s odd at the same time. I’ve always given notice and worked the time up until the date of effect. It was the first time I wasn’t able to give and serve a full 2 week notice.

I tried not to cry as I left work and said goodbye to Lori. She and I were partners in crime. I forgot to get my food from the breakroom, but that’s of no real concern. I survived over a year, and learned some great lessons, maybe too late, maybe the hard way. At least I have my sanity, some self esteem salvaged, and something more to transition to. My employment history is becoming much like my dating life. On the bright side, the majority of the time, each job (aside from 1) I’ve taken has been a better one than the last.

I sent the W-2 for CompUSA from my time there to the background check company, and they said they got the files. Didn’t hear about the drug test, so I’m taking that as good news. I really like that they recognized my assets, went out of their way to offer me something more than what I originally applied for.

I’m excited to hear my mom is really planning on visiting me in May. I can’t wait. I wonder if I could finagle time off at the new company. She doesn’t like to fly. It’s a big deal to have her come visit and take her to all the places, maybe we’ll go do the tourist thing. Like the Grand Canyon.

2010 goes *POOF*

It’s time to fast forward through 2010. There’s two days left to serve at my current job. I am tempted to gloat and announce ‘Ha! Someone recognizes my strengths and doesn’t question or try to jab at me just because I value things like routine, maintaining good work habits, communication, clear expectations, reliable sources of information, and doing things well the first time beyond the bare minimum to make it easier for myself and/or other people in the company to continue with. People value the assets I have to offer.’ That’s not professional, and so I am leaving quietly. No weird coconut cakes, no round of applause from the team, just a simple, vague letter and disappear.

It did really bother me when I was told by management they “suspect I struggle with reading comprehension.”
Excuse me? I tested pretty high on standardized testing and college entrance exams. I was in advanced English, literature, and creative writing classes. I’ve tutored people in English and grammar. I do not have a reading comprehension problem. My problem is, I see the big picture too much and I want to serve people and give everyone the dedicated attention they deserve. I treat people humanely so I see the gray and I see the roads to get there, I see a spectrum instead of the borders on the map. If you ask me where the town hall is, I’m going to tell you what the best streets to take are and what to look for. I may even tell you the hours they are open to help you. I’m not just going to give you an address and vaguely point and walk away. And trying to use retail examples on someone who has worked retail and knows the performance standards of retail isn’t as effective as intended. Retail standards mean giving your attention. You’re not allowed to make a habit of vaguely pointing. You are expected to handhold and walk customers to whatever they ask you to find. Retail understands this because they at least understand the concept of rapport and pleasant service needed to maintain return business. I can’t believe I just defended the retail industry. It’s about being accurate. It wastes company resources to do the bare minimum and then have to redo it over. Just do it well the first time and the time paid, energy and resources used to redo work can be channeled into other things.

I didn’t give myself time to process this remark about reading comprehension. It was unfounded. I knew if I did I’d be too upset to speak or remain civil. I just reminded myself, this is corporate antagonizing shenanigans. You’ve given the best you have to this employer for a year, and just put on a smile a little while longer. You and those who bother to know you know full well of your abilities. The purpose is to be agreeable to pay the bills. Remember the Serenity Prayer.

I will miss a few people. I really do like the current immediate management for the most part. There’s some key players I’m not keen on, and question their professionalism, leadership, competencies in their roles and ethics. My intuition about people has never been wrong as much as I may want to be. I feel guilty about not being able to give and serve more advance notice. Then I move on because the company will give little pause to shift someone else into my position. Failure is my biggest fear, so I am glad I’ve been able to evade the experience of being fired at this stage. I’ve never been fired in my life. All other employers have been impressed and extremely satisfied with my performance, work ethics, knowledge, and skill sets.

This company has been patient with me, and if I were my peers at work, I’d be upset at what would seem to be coddling. I wish I had more answers about what would make me able to perform at the standards they set forth. I don’t have the answers because there are so many variables in so many different respects. It’s like predicting the weather. I had wished they would recognize the assets I have to offer and were willing to assess and consider a different capacity or position. But I didn’t meet the performance standards to be permitted to explore those opportunities.

Next week I start training for a more advanced position of similar nature with a different company. I only applied once. They had a speedy turn around time. Praise my solid long term memory and the eTraining course certifications from the gold old days of CompUSA. 3 years ago, and I still remember enough to beat 90% of the other candidates with flying colors. Only 1 piece of information acquired from the current employer was transferable, and it was about troubleshooting Outlook settings.

It’s late and I best be off to Dreamland!

A better position with more pay, a seemingly realistic business model from what I know of the new company at this point. Let’s see where this change leads to, and try to do anything and everything to ensure the past year doesn’t repeat itself. Happy Lunar New Year.

2011 here I come.

Fake it

We’ve all been in those situations, where we are challenged to rise to the occasion. Beyond our experience, beyond our skill level, beyond our brain capacity. We’re stunned.

Today I shimmied a little closer to the edge of the ledge. The pit of my stomach churned. The days of Geocities and Frontpage were gone. The days of making dead sites for class exercises were gone. This was the real deal. What am I doing? The programs need serial numbers, updates, and the third party plugins. The manuals cover everything EXCEPT importing. Am I staring right at it? I know I’ve never been able to read long passages on computers. Maybe I’m skimming too fast. Why is this so hard? I taught myself GoLive. This is a watered down version. Actually, this is a like iPhoto. The password doesn’t work, The basic starter kit-design-a-website-out-of-this-box program the current webmaster has been using doesn’t allow importing or editing of pre-existing html pages. You’ve had Dreamweaver for a few years now, and you’re still intimidated by it. It’s worse than your fear of Adobe Illustrator during your first year in the commercial art program. You’ve done far more with Fireworks and Crystal Reports than you have with Dreamweaver. Better dive in now. You’re webmastering this site as a volunteer. Thankfully no one can see you clam up, the palms and hairline balmy the face flushed, and the throat tightening, you can feel the blood threatening to blow up the veins.

Breathe.

the WYSWYG application (which I doubt that’s the proper string of technical acronymns) automatically gets files, but I have no idea where it puts them and hope I don’t ever need to know. Start small. Find some HTML to hack, and modify the text, and off we go. Upload. Publish live. Refresh. Exhale. Mental talk: I can do this. I can do this. I did do this. I can do this. I don’t need a class to figure this out. Don’t fight it. This isn’t too advanced for you. You will learn to be proficient. You will use this to cheat and as a learning tool to learn web programming. You want to play with the big kids, you got to stand tall. Can’t win if you don’t play. You can do this. You will do this.

At least this is volunteer, and I’m not quite on my own yet, as the webmaster isn’t abandoning ship just yet. I took this on to force me to learn and build on the basic understanding I have. I don’t understand the abstract concept of web programming, so I have to have the visual aspect integrated in with it. It’s time to make some progress.

Dreaming of Tomorrows that Never Arrive, part I

The standard “how are you?” has always been a question I wish would be removed. No one really cares how you are. Why ask? It is a pointless question. People don’t even wait to hear the answer or wait for you to make the same inquiry before answering with “Good.” Or they move on to another topic or turn away even before you’ve answered. Even as a kid, I used to always reply the same, “Fine.”

I read somewhere, when females say they are “fine,” it really means they are not fine. This is often the case with me. Even when I felt good, I would have the same reply. In the recent years, I’ve decided this can come across as standoffish. I keep making attempts to behavior modify my withdrawn and intrinsic personality into becoming more comfortable taking on Type B personality traits.

Type C personality: I’m tempted to ignore this useless ritualistic question whenever asked.
I’ve shifted from a Type C to a Type A in some ways. The two conflict. In this matter, they agree. The Type A feels impatient and like small talk is a waste of time and energy. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. The Type C in me just doesn’t want to deal with the mindless blather of unnecessary conversations.

On instant messenger, a old online friend and I were doing some catching up. We were each going through what we had been pre-occupied with, and of course mention of relationships, love interests, dating, what-have-you naturally came up. I’m not revealing his identity; he knows who he is if his eyes should ever chance to stumble on this. His (and my) screenname was modified to protect his identity.

Friday November 12, 2009. Excerpt (edited) from instant messenger conversation
[. . . ]
11:21:56 PM king4: i was in a long relationship
11:21:58 PM king4: it crumbled
11:22:01 PM king4: i got depressed
11:22:03 PM king4: lost my job
11:22:08 PM king4: lost my apartment
11:22:10 PM king4: etc..
11:22:23 PM king4: and went into a tail spin pretty much
11:22:26 PM king4: but i picked myself up
11:22:29 PM king4: learned from it
11:22:33 PM king4: and ima better person now
11:22:40 PM :þ Crazy A: aww.
11:23:00 PM :þ Crazy A: was the break up pretty bad, worse than most?
11:23:19 PM king4: yeah kinda as bad as one could get i suppose
11:23:37 PM king4: no cursing out eachother
11:23:39 PM king4: no violence
11:23:44 PM king4: but sad as hell
11:23:46 PM king4: crying alot
11:23:49 PM king4: depression
11:24:16 PM king4: i stopped living for tomorrow
11:24:21 PM king4: and readjusted my life
11:24:36 PM king4: i lost years of todays just dreaming about tomorrows that never came
11:24:41 PM king4: so now i live in the moment
11:25:03 PM king4: take it day by day
11:26:12 PM :þ Crazy A: good.
11:26:25 PM king4: wanna hear music?
11:26:31 PM king4: something im listening to now atm
11:26:51 PM :þ Crazy A: I guess I’ve been dreaming of tomorrows that will never arrive, lately
11:26:56 PM :þ Crazy A: sure!
11:28:00 PM king4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aciWCtrPIsw
11:28:24 PM king4: just have patience and try to maintain inner happiness
11:28:28 PM :þ Crazy A: oh, yeah I like DC for Cutie
11:28:35 PM king4: i literally repeat”im happy”
11:28:37 PM king4: about 50 times when i almost get sad
11:28:43 PM king4: and it works for me kinda like meditation
11:28:53 PM king4: sounds weird but it works
11:29:07 PM :þ: Whatever works. we all do self talk
11:29:26 PM king4:
11:31:23 PM king4: so whats been wrong with u
11:31:55 PM :þ: So you just gave me an idea to reflect on. maybe it’ll turn into a poem too… i dunno. It’s been awhile since i’ve written any poems
11:32:30 PM :þ Crazy A: I blog and privately journal alot lately.
11:32:44 PM king4: i was just about to ask about that
11:33:04 PM :þ: wrong with me… well [...]

Maybe this is why I don’t let myself have much hope in life, in people, in anything. It surely must be why I don’t let myself daydream. Because, I have been daydreaming a lot lately, and it seems to only be hurtful to myself. I dream of tomorrows that never arrive. I dream of a sense of belonging, a place to call home, a person I can feel completely at home with, and none of it ever becomes reality. All that is left is disappointment, and the more disappointed I feel, the more lonely I feel.

Look, but don’t touch.
I did not like being told this as a child, and somehow it has contaminated my life. Look at the successful, but don’t touch, because you are not. Look at the happy couple off to honeymoon in faraway exotic places, but don’t touch, because you still have yet to have a relationship last longer than 7 months, or even a healthy relationship. Look at the harmonious family, but don’t touch, because your family relations are tense, and somewhat estranged. Look at the young and adventurous, but don’t touch, because you have too many responsibilities and health problems and know better.

Tomorrow will bring success
Tomorrow will offer unexpected wealth
Tomorrow will

ugh. The poetic chi must be rusty at the moment. I’ll dwell on it and come back to it, like I always do have with attempts at poetry and song lyrics.

Mac OS makeover

The necessity to upgrade the trusty Intel powered Mac Pro workstation from Mac OS 10.4.11 Tiger to 10.6 Snow Leopard has turned into a must, one I was pleasantly surprised to get a 17% discount on, since the company I currently work for has a partnership with Apple.

The package design was nice; the standard disk box die cut, opening up like a present, the corners folded in. I haven’t done much homework on this upgrade. I’m trusting to love it as long as my current applications such as Aperture, Quicktime Pro, menagerie of web browsers, printer, network settings, preferences, and naturally my files are still left alone and accessible. Preferrably, hiccup free.

40 minutes, a 2 hour commuting detour, severe lack of sleep, $153 dollars later, and we well see if it delivers the awe Apple has promised. I sure hate to be disappointed in it.

Stay tuned.

Friday Forecast: Sunny

Monday arrived riddling my hands and body with arthritis. Foolish of me to limit the use of the perfectly awesome Bionaire slim design heater that is ranked along side the workstation computer, large screen HD LCD monitor, and digital camera as my best investments. Up, and about. The sun is at full strength and Monday is marching on. Still in pajamas, still sniffling, but productive. Move aside body, Monday has arrived and you’re going to have to deal like it.

Last week I decided to give another try for GoDaddy. Persistence seems to prove the best overall. Most people apply or submit their resumé once to prospective employers. My approach, if an employer makes my A-list is to keep at them. It’s how I was hired for retail. I think I applied there four times before I got in. Computer sales, I applied in their system twice. The screenprinting company I submitted my resumé twice. I just took a call from GoDaddy this morning. They requested a second interview and I set one up for Friday to give me sufficient time to study the technical terminology I expect they will assess.

When my availability was an issue earlier this year, I sent the interviewer a nice thank you card. I’m hopeful and need to make sure to watch all my Ps and Qs closely this time around to secure a sure thing. While the position is not ideal, the company is. It would beef up my employment appeal as well to work for such a well-known, profitable, and reputable company.

Funny. just when my dating life fizzles, my prospects for employment heat up. The distraction is wholly welcome and needed.

Sunday Recap

Early this morning, M. left to catch her 6:30 am flight. She stayed with me over the weekend for a college friend’s wedding. She hadn’t changed much in physical appearance. Her hair was shorter and she was dressed a lil more age appropriately, and her clothes seemed to fit her better. Then again, how many teens and kids ever find clothes which suit them? We were on the same Eighth grade Blue team, in the same homeroom and in some of the same classes. I’d never considered her a friend while in school, and most of our conversations had revolved around school and academia. Though we were on the same Mock Trial team and competed at Drake for State Finals, on one or two occasions she came to my house and I went to hers. Likely for a class project. She was still awkward and ungraceful in her manner and her conversation, but a little less so.

There was mention of the good ole days. Surprisingly for once, I wasn’t feeling nostalgic. I turned the conversation for us to fill in what we’ve been doing with ourselves since those days of yesteryear. Somewhat relieved I wouldn’t have to do much entertaining, nor financial juggling to entertain. I ended up staying up late Saturday evening. Conflicted over a specific boy, I’ll dub B3. I heard M. rise and use my private bathroom, and gather her things and head out the door. I woke in time to hear my roommate next to me make a trip to the bathroom, and I thought shower. The half chihuahua, half mutt was asleep at the foot of my bed. I heard rustling. Disregarding it as the cat, I roused to use the bathroom, make a trip to the kitchen for a drink, and to see if my roommate was indeed in the shower or if I could stake first claim to the hot water. As I am just about to pass my open door and use the bathroom, I hear my roommate. I’m too groggy to actually hear. Must have been something to the effect of ‘watch out, it’s coming your way.’ I look out in the hall and my roommate is in a worn, faded t-shirt and shorts, holding a black fleece, hooded jacket like a lazy, improperly trained bullfighter. I look from him to the spot on the floor where his gaze is. I find a pigeon walking around, bobbing its’ head.

Here it comes, towards me. I tries to spring into flight, for a second, but decides to resume it’s tour into my room and then my bathroom. I half heartedly wave in it’s general direction and mumble something about ‘have at it, good luck,’ signifying to my roommate it is okay to follow it and rodeo it in my room. The pigeon had made it 4 feet into my room, and I had nearly tripped on it. By now the dog has caught on and trying to get in on the action, but staying a couple feet away. I pause briefly to consider if I should help to coral and corner it. I reason no. I go down the hall and continue to satisfy my thirst. I come back and the roommate and the bird are in my bathroom. I close all the doors to bedrooms and the main bathroom the male roommates share. I then go into the living room and open the front door. Who knows, maybe we will get lucky, it will see the bright streaming sunlight, and walk right out.

I walk back and the roommate is still with the black fleece jacket and the pigeon is still walking around. It considers the open door. The dog’s excitement makes it go to the corner, under and behind the couches. The roommate can’t see it, so I get down on the floor to find it. I know it’s in the far corner, and then I see it bobbing between the wall and the couch. I grab the broom from the laundry room thinking I’ll scare it out, but the roommate wants to run the show, and I have no problem letting him. All I can think about is how many diseases birds carry. Should I be worried about bird flu? I’m just starting to get over some sinus and cold crud. It would be just my luck to get bird flu from some random bird the cat decided to bring in.

The roommate’s tactics work, and the pigeon indeed bobs its head with beady eyes, and walks out. I noticed a slight limp or hesitancy, from what I assume is where the cat clamped it’s fangs into it.

Satisfied that was the end of it, we each returned to our particular routines. He showered, and I ate breakfast to wait for my turn. Even though I have a private bathroom, given the state of the house, I’m sure it’s to my own personal comfort to not shower at the same time since my bathroom is the furthest away from the water heater/furnace and my roommate enjoys long showers as much as I do.

I downloaded photos off of my compact flash memory card. I showered, dressed, and headed out to explore the State Fair desert style. It was good, more carnival than fair. I perused 3 of 5 exhibit buildings. Indulged in Indian Fry Bread with honey, a native American woven purse, and stumbled upon a great collectible frog salt and pepper set for my step-mother.

When I returned in the evening I walked in to find the living room and the hall generously decorated with pigeon feathers. Apparently the cat and the chihuahua decided to have a rematch with the pigeon from this morning. I chuckled and mentally scolded the animals. As I debated on the best way to clean up the evidence, I amused myself with envisioning the scenario.

After 15 minutes of vacuuming, the motor smelled as if it might blow up or catch fire.

The proud Chihuahua—the cat was AWOL—and the evidentary remains of the afternoon rematch with the pigeon the cat caught prisoner earlier this morning

Technological Trash and my influence

100 floppy disks processed. 30 of which I have no OSes able to even read the disks. Apple’s Powerbook 1400cs

Crazy to think back how I was the embarrassed 5th-12th grader to tote around a laptop to take notes and turn in typed homework for all my classes. Oh the days of Clarisworks v3, WinWord 6, Oregon Trail, Netscape Navigator, and AOL. Amazing how a PSD fit on a 1.44 mb disk with room to spare!

I realized at the age of 12 in the 1990s I used the pipe or | so… I ought to take that credit for that influence. I used it because it was the only symbol permitted. I’m sure no one will believe that though. I’m also the one to introduce the – and the ~ before the name at the end of a message or other written format. I wrote poems and always used those. I carried it over to emails because I wasn’t real sure how to properly close an email so I used to signify the end of the message.

I wonder how I ought to properly dispose of all this technological trash I’ve accumulated for the past two an a half decades. It’s not covered in the muncipal recycling program. :-/ And this is why I don’t buy every new gagdet.

Next on the agenda: processing ZIP disks from the college days. My goal is to get back down to basics. Moving around alot forces this.