Truth and Reality as I know it to be

Valentine’s Day

Apparently, I wrote this on February 16, 2011 and did not publish it.

Yesterday went awry. As I turned in the visitor’s pass I got a call from a restricted number on my phone. The signal in the building is flaky so a few seconds after answering the call dropped. Me being the curious type, wanted to try to figure out who this could be. I’m pretty guarded with who has my cell number. By default I issue my home phone. I called a few likely people, sent text messages to others. Apparently I sent one to someone I had … let’s say been more or less involved with since the later part of 2009. Based on his reply it was obvious he didn’t know the number, safe to assume he deleted it when he chose to end his association with me using the silent treatment. I gave into a rare indulgence of revenge, sprinkled with mischief and probably still hoping for some chance he’d redeem himself and want to resume things.

He took the seemingly innocent playful bait and could not figure out whom he was exchanging text messages with. It took a serious turn and he became agitated. He guessed correctly when I happened to ask a key question about the last work project he had last told me about. Me wanting to milk it and try to be clever, did not answer acknowledge the correct guess. Instead I asked some other questions as to why. Then he asked if I was planning on telling him who I was. My response was something like, not anytime soon. I can’t tell all my secrets. At this he was turned off said something about not liking games. I kept my temper in check and resisted the temptation to explode via text message (falls under the lame category) about games he played and things he did or didn’t follow through on or things he purposely omitted. I kept it simple and replied in agreeably and made what I intended to be a final closing remark about his princess (newborn girl) being cute, and wishing time to heal the sorrows and life to give abundant joys for them.

Later, I sent another message: Whomever you think this is, know it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t get me what I wanted most.
He stated he was not sure what that meant.
I went off on the poor guy and on so many tangents trying not to phrase things in ways which might seem like I was blaming him. Yes, he’s at fault, but I did not want to resort to attacking his character. He is great in so many other ways. I think this incident really has been a stepping stone to forgive more freely. Serving as some warped selfish closure for being given the silent treatment, for the bouts of unresponsiveness and for the hot/cold signals. Genuine when we’re together, and dead cold when we’re not. I’m pretty independent, I’m not one to need constant attention in a relationship. However, we live in close proximity of each other so we should have been able to see each other on more occasions than we actually did.

Can you tell I am at odds with my emotions?

That damn lingering hope that some happy ending would come about.
Typically I’m first to recognize, walk away, and say goodbye when a relationship or friendship has gone stale. This one has been the easiest to forgive, and the hardest to walk away from. Yes, I’m aware he walked away far sooner than I was willing to acknowledge. At this time, I know I should walk away, but some other part of me doesn’t want to. In relationships I walk away and the chances of me embracing the person again significantly dwindle. 2010 was our second round after reconnecting. I typically have a 3 strikes and you’re out rule. Meaning I’ll try 3 times (rounds), and then on the final ending, that’s your final goodbye from me. I avoid saying goodbye, because goodbye is more permanent to me.

I wasn’t expecting him to respond, however he did. This all has proved that the little he’s been willing to share with me is far more than the sum of what he’s bothered to learn, remember, or inquire about of me.
He’s got a brilliant mind, I’m suspect the tangents I went on confirmed his guess of who he was conversing with.
I doubt he would ‘fess up as to the reasoning behind his actions or behavior. In reality they don’t change anything, so there’s no point in trying to press the matter on him. No matter what I say or do, nothing gets me him. Might as well forgive him as much as I can, get a few crumbs of closure, and leave him where he belongs.

In the past.

I’m closer than I was before to wanting to move on. Selfish of me? I don’t doubt it.

The final closing act I’ve been procrastinating for weeks now is sending him a ‘care package’ consisting of a card, a few carefully selected items, and a burned cd of handpicked songs. I will see if i have a change of heart this weekend when I get around to the post office to send some other packages to my family.

To update since this relationship, this beau is no longer part of my life. Bradley B, is married to a woman who is a nurse, and continues to use a temp staffing agency to find employment, and he got fired from Circle K convenience stores for running a scheme with coupons, smokes, and other merchandise. His ex from Palau who took off with their daughter born in 2010 named Aurora.

Simple lesson: Stay away from any male with the last name of Benson since this is my 2nd heartbreak with 2 different men with this last name.
Harder lesson: Always trust intuition and stop hoping to prove intuition wrong.

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