2012 has been full of changes. The settlement from the car accident, qualifying and enrolling in for-pay-Medicare, trying to get a new wheelchair, cutting to part time hours at work, chronic physical pain, family stuff, and then personal challenges with birthday, and the myriad of holiday events.
My boyfriend says he noticed the change in me when I returned from visiting family.
I sort of knew I was taking a gamble. I’d be going from middle class to poverty. I felt like I was undoing what I had worked so hard in my 20s to progress to. Some people believe in staying within the comfort level. I know if I do that I’ll never have a better life. Infact in a few years, I’ll be poor again because staying in my current job means no pay raises for anyone, and minimalistic benefits with very little PTO.
How do you explain this to someone who is okay with mediocrity and only doing enough to get by? Sometimes all I want is a few key people to ask me and genuinely care about my wellbeing. I’m spiraling… maybe free falling, maybe clawing or choking.
Today, I dealt with insurance stuff because my MRI didn’t get billed properly. My cat won’t eat the food she has and prefers dry food vs canned, and gets under foot several times a day. A couple bins of art supplies were stolen off my patio. I just want someone to care. Not to back out of plans. At least 1 different person has bailed on plans every week for the past few weeks. Trying hard to fight negativity.
Called my boyfriend since we talked for 10 minutes a day, but the last day we spoke was Wednesday. Says he’s going over to his mom’s for dinner. He didn’t even mention that he noticed I wasn’t there yesterday or ask. He did say “I’m sorry” and so I asked him what he was sorry for. All he said was “I’m sorry you’re depressed.”
I started crying silently on the phone and didn’t say anything for a long time.
The support I wanted from him is “what can I do to make the situation better?” It was just silence. Enough time for me to feel hurt and get the message “I see you’re depressed and I’ll tell you I see it, but I’m not going to make any effort to even try to help.”
I keep wanting to break it off because if I am going to feel alone in the things I have to deal with in the world, then really a partner who takes no initiative unless I nag him to is really of no use to me. It’s just more dead weight. Last week when he was over for dinner, I went numb and zoned out. I’m tired of initiating physical affection, it’s become few and far between. I don’t even want physical intimacy anymore because I am preoccupied with other things.
Conversation went from dinner at his mom’s, to his mom giving his son a Christmas present early for the winter solstice, to winter break for his son, to Christmas plans with his mom. My response was an attempt to be positive and objective with “Sounds nice for you. That will be fun and good for you.” Because he hadn’t included me in any of it. Finally towards the end, it was again like an afterthought. “I don’t know what my mom has planned. I don’t want to go to so-and-so’s and my mom hasn’t said anything for her house yet, and I work Christmas.”
Me: “I’m sure it’ll get figured out with your schedule and your parents’ schedules, you could probably go after you get off work in the afternoon.”
Boyfriend: “Yeah, I just can’t tell you plans because my mom hasn’t told me.”
Me: “It’s alright, doesn’t matter.”
Boyfriend: “I don’t know or else I would tell you, once I know then I can tell you when the Christmas at my mom’s will be.”
Me: “Don’t worry about it. I wouldn’t be able to go anyways because I work the night shift. Don’t try to work it out for when I can be there. Just figure it out for what works for you and your parents. If it’s at a time that happens to work with my schedule, great. Otherwise it’s no big deal.”
Me: “I’m tired of holidays being a big production. If it’s going to be so much trouble, I would rather be by myself is all I mean. Just do whatever. It’s why I gave you the wrapped gifts I had for your parents in case I wasn’t able to attend. I tried to tell you this before.”
Another long period of silence.
Then my boyfriend makes up some excuse about chores before picking up his son. I neither care nor listen and say “Okay. Talk to you later. Love you. Bye.”
2013 is going to be worse.