Dreaming of Tomorrows that Never Arrive, part I

The standard “how are you?” has always been a question I wish would be removed. No one really cares how you are. Why ask? It is a pointless question. People don’t even wait to hear the answer or wait for you to make the same inquiry before answering with “Good.” Or they move on to another topic or turn away even before you’ve answered. Even as a kid, I used to always reply the same, “Fine.”

I read somewhere, when females say they are “fine,” it really means they are not fine. This is often the case with me. Even when I felt good, I would have the same reply. In the recent years, I’ve decided this can come across as standoffish. I keep making attempts to behavior modify my withdrawn and intrinsic personality into becoming more comfortable taking on Type B personality traits.

Type C personality: I’m tempted to ignore this useless ritualistic question whenever asked.
I’ve shifted from a Type C to a Type A in some ways. The two conflict. In this matter, they agree. The Type A feels impatient and like small talk is a waste of time and energy. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. The Type C in me just doesn’t want to deal with the mindless blather of unnecessary conversations.

On instant messenger, a old online friend and I were doing some catching up. We were each going through what we had been pre-occupied with, and of course mention of relationships, love interests, dating, what-have-you naturally came up. I’m not revealing his identity; he knows who he is if his eyes should ever chance to stumble on this. His (and my) screenname was modified to protect his identity.

Friday November 12, 2009. Excerpt (edited) from instant messenger conversation
[. . . ]
11:21:56 PM king4: i was in a long relationship
11:21:58 PM king4: it crumbled
11:22:01 PM king4: i got depressed
11:22:03 PM king4: lost my job
11:22:08 PM king4: lost my apartment
11:22:10 PM king4: etc..
11:22:23 PM king4: and went into a tail spin pretty much
11:22:26 PM king4: but i picked myself up
11:22:29 PM king4: learned from it
11:22:33 PM king4: and ima better person now
11:22:40 PM :þ Crazy A: aww.
11:23:00 PM :þ Crazy A: was the break up pretty bad, worse than most?
11:23:19 PM king4: yeah kinda as bad as one could get i suppose
11:23:37 PM king4: no cursing out eachother
11:23:39 PM king4: no violence
11:23:44 PM king4: but sad as hell
11:23:46 PM king4: crying alot
11:23:49 PM king4: depression
11:24:16 PM king4: i stopped living for tomorrow
11:24:21 PM king4: and readjusted my life
11:24:36 PM king4: i lost years of todays just dreaming about tomorrows that never came
11:24:41 PM king4: so now i live in the moment
11:25:03 PM king4: take it day by day
11:26:12 PM :þ Crazy A: good.
11:26:25 PM king4: wanna hear music?
11:26:31 PM king4: something im listening to now atm
11:26:51 PM :þ Crazy A: I guess I’ve been dreaming of tomorrows that will never arrive, lately
11:26:56 PM :þ Crazy A: sure!
11:28:00 PM king4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aciWCtrPIsw
11:28:24 PM king4: just have patience and try to maintain inner happiness
11:28:28 PM :þ Crazy A: oh, yeah I like DC for Cutie
11:28:35 PM king4: i literally repeat”im happy”
11:28:37 PM king4: about 50 times when i almost get sad
11:28:43 PM king4: and it works for me kinda like meditation
11:28:53 PM king4: sounds weird but it works
11:29:07 PM :þ: Whatever works. we all do self talk
11:29:26 PM king4: 🙂
11:31:23 PM king4: so whats been wrong with u
11:31:55 PM :þ: So you just gave me an idea to reflect on. maybe it’ll turn into a poem too… i dunno. It’s been awhile since i’ve written any poems
11:32:30 PM :þ Crazy A: I blog and privately journal alot lately.
11:32:44 PM king4: i was just about to ask about that
11:33:04 PM :þ: wrong with me… well […]

Maybe this is why I don’t let myself have much hope in life, in people, in anything. It surely must be why I don’t let myself daydream. Because, I have been daydreaming a lot lately, and it seems to only be hurtful to myself. I dream of tomorrows that never arrive. I dream of a sense of belonging, a place to call home, a person I can feel completely at home with, and none of it ever becomes reality. All that is left is disappointment, and the more disappointed I feel, the more lonely I feel.

Look, but don’t touch.
I did not like being told this as a child, and somehow it has contaminated my life. Look at the successful, but don’t touch, because you are not. Look at the happy couple off to honeymoon in faraway exotic places, but don’t touch, because you still have yet to have a relationship last longer than 7 months, or even a healthy relationship. Look at the harmonious family, but don’t touch, because your family relations are tense, and somewhat estranged. Look at the young and adventurous, but don’t touch, because you have too many responsibilities and health problems and know better.

Tomorrow will bring success
Tomorrow will offer unexpected wealth
Tomorrow will

ugh. The poetic chi must be rusty at the moment. I’ll dwell on it and come back to it, like I always do have with attempts at poetry and song lyrics.